108 Best Michael Scott quotes from The Office (to fit your every mood)

NBC’s The Office is still one of the most popular sitcoms to date, despite the show concluding back in 2013. Of course, Netflix has something to do with that, as although it’s no longer available on the streamer, the years it spent on Netflix reeled in a whole new fanbase of all ages. Unfortunately, the Steve Carell-led comedy left the platform for NBC’s own, Peacock, at the start of 2021, and we miss it dearly.

For all those Netflix users who miss Dunder Mifflin’s Regional Manager Michael Scott (Carell) and wish The Office was still available to stream on the site, we’re here to comfort you with the best of the best quotes from the series. And yes, they’re all said by Michael. Check them out below, categorized for your convenience.

Funny Michael Scott quotes

1. “The worst thing about prison was the dementors.”

2. “I am Beyoncé, always.”

3. “Sometimes I’ll start a sentence, and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.”

4. “Well, well, well how the turntables.”

5. “You all took a life here today. You did. The life of the party.”

6. “Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information.”

7. “I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday.”

8. “I’m not superstitious but I am a little stitious.”

It never gets old when Michael Scott messes up well-known phrases and adds his own touch to them. And no one ever corrects him! It’s hilarious. He gets away with a lot on The Office, and his made-up sayings are included.

9. “If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.”

10. “‘You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me?’ Raging Bull, Pacino.”

11. “You don’t know me, you’ve just seen my penis.”

12. “Mmm. Sort of an oaky afterbirth.”

13. “And I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do.”

14. “I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. It’s every parents’ dream.”

15. “Ryan’s about to attend the Michael Scott School of Business. I’m like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one.”

16. “I declare bankruptcy!”

17. “Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.”

18. “I’ve got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.”

19. “There’s no such thing as an appropriate joke. That’s why it’s called a joke.”

20. “When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country! Ok?”

Michael is probably the most gullible character on The Office, along with Erin. You could trick him into anything, and his innocence and good intentions is what makes him so redeemable as a character.

21. “I am going to drop a deuce on everybody.”

22. “Number 8. Learn how to take off a woman’s bra: You just twist your hand until something breaks.”

23. “Webster’s Dictionary defines wedding as: The fusing of two metals with a hot torch.”

24. “I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.”

25. “Mini-cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes? Which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?”

26. “Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did…”

27. “Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.”

28. “Where are the turtles?!”

29. “They’re trying to make me an escape goat.”

30. “I’m dead inside.”

31. “I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible.”

32. “There were these huge bins of clothes and everybody was rifling through them like crazy. And I grabbed one and it fit! So I don’t think that this is totally just a woman’s suit. At the very least it’s bisexual.”

33. “Mo’ money, mo’ problems.”

34. “This morning I saw a YouTube video with a puppy riding a motorcycle. So my bar for stunning is pretty high.”

35. “I don’t understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn’t even work here.”

36. “Find out if there are any skeletons in his attic.”

37. “I have cause. It is because I hate him.”

38. “Friends joke with one another. Hey, you’re poor. Hey, your momma’s dead. That’s what friends do.”

39. “I learned a while back, that if I don’t text 911 people will not return my calls. Um, but now people always return my calls because, they think that something horrible, has happened.”

40. “Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work.”

41. “That’s what she said!”

42. “You are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real.”

43. “I’m not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn’t even close. Then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40, I had less money than I did when I was 30.”

44. “When I discovered YouTube, I didn’t work for five days.”

45. “It’s never too early for ice cream.”

46. “It’s a good thing Russia doesn’t exist anymore.”

47. “Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square. Named for the good times you have when you’re in it.”

48. “We’re all homos. Homo… Sapiens.”

49. “I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don’t have a butler, I do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon.”

50. “Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. So he’s not really a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced, so he’s not really a part of his family.”

Everyone loves how much Michael hates Toby on The Office. There’s a fan theory floating around claiming the reason why he feels so strongly towards him. As Mental Floss reported, this theory says that because Michael had a tough upbringing with a broken home, he resents Toby for not being able to make his own marriage work. It’s definitely a stretch, but hey, people care enough about their relationship to make up theories, which is pretty funny.

51. “I don’t come up with this stuff, I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest the guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.”

52. “I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.”

53. “Tell him to call me ASAP as possible.”

54. “It’s not like booze ever killed anyone.”

55. “I know it’s illegal in Pennsylvania, but it’s for charity, and I consider myself a great philanderer.”

56. “Like right here is my favorite New York pizza joint. And I’m going to go get me a New York slice.”

57. “Nobody likes beets, Dwight! Why don’t you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy.”

58. “It takes you thirty seconds to brush your teeth? Wow, that’s ten times as long as it takes me.”

59. “Hi, I’m Date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning?”

60. “I guess the attitude that I’ve tried to create here is that I’m a friend first and a boss second and probably an entertainer third.”

61. “It’s simply beyond words. It’s incalculable.”

62. “I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?”

63. “You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is President! You are black, Stanley!”

64. “It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don’t expect everyone to understand.”

65. “Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don’t know if you guys know about it, but, basically, you make someone think the opposite of what you believe. And that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.”

Michael Scott inspirational quotes

66. “Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ and if they would, I do not do that thing.”

67. “The only time I set the bar low is for limbo. Always keep the bar raised no matter what.”

68. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”

These “inspirational” Michael Scott quotes might only be inspirational to him, but they’re super hilarious for us to think about. Imagine saying any of these things seriously!

69. “My philosophy is, basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don’t, ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or, or where you’ve been. Ever. For any reason. Whatsoever.”

70. “Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that’s always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you just have to be the boss of dancing.”

71. “Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney, because grief isn’t wrong. There’s such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.”

72. “May your hats fly as high as your dreams.”

73. “You know, sometimes to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star, incredibly far away. And our problems don’t matter to him because we’re just a distant point of light.”

74. “Good managers don’t fire. They hire and inspire.”

75. “Saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can’t say, but yes.”

76. “You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one but fool me twice, strike three.”

77. “I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl so I’m wise and I have worms.”

78. “Hate is the most useless of all emotions. Success is the best revenge.”

79. “People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy.”

80. “Abraham Lincoln once said that, ‘If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North.’ And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.”

81. “You should never settle for who you are. Always go for better if it exists. Sometimes this is all there is to improve yourself.”

82. “You may look around and see two groups here: white-collar, blue-collar. But I don’t see it that way, and you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.”

83. “We do not always get what we want. Sometimes life presents us with surprises.”

84. “An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to… An office is a place where dreams come true.”

85. “I guess I’ve been working so hard, I forgot what it’s like to be hardly working.”

Michael Scott birthday quotes

86. “Fun fact: I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice breaker if I ever meet Teri Hatcher.”

87. “Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that anyone’s ever done for these people and they freak-out. Well happy birthday Jesus, sorry your party’s so lame.”

Michael Scott is big on parties, so it makes sense he takes his own birthday very seriously, along with his loved ones’. He also has a thing about age and getting older, as evidenced when he discovered how old Pam’s mom Helene was on her birthday. That scene is still so cringe-worthy!

88. “A great boss will say, ‘Hey, it’s my birthday. Celebrate yourselves, because you are the ones who made me great, and I will acknowledge your contributions with donuts.'”

89. “When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids. And I got a really bad rash. From the pony. had to go inside, and my mother was rubbing cream on me, for probably three hours, and I never came outside. And by the time I got out, the pony was already in the truck and around the corner. So that was my worst birthday.”

90. “Not necessary, the party planning committee is all over it. They’ve been working 24/7 all day yesterday.”

Michael Scott love quotes

91. “Love is the water of life, drink deeply.”

92. “I live by one rule: No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate… no. But, I live by another rule: Just do it… Nike.”

93. “Make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order.”

94. “If you break that girl’s heart, I will kill you. That’s just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl’s heart, I will literally kill you and your entire family.”

95. “Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable.”

96. “No question about it, I am ready to get hurt again.”

Michael Scott wears his heart on his sleeve and loves to put himself out there. Although it doesn’t always work out for him, we love how much he tries!

97. “Hate to see you leave, but love to watch you go. ‘Cause of your butt.”

98. “This is where I fell in love with you, and this is where I ask you to marry me.”

99. “Well, it’s love at first sight. Actually, it was… No, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.”

100. “You cheated on me? When I specifically asked you not to?”

Michael Scott Christmas quotes

101. “This is Christmas spirit, as in spirits, booze.”

102 .”Guess who I am sitting here dressed as. I will give you a hint: His last name is Christ; He has the power of flight and can heal leopards.”

103. “St. Patrick’s Day is the closest thing the Irish have to Christmas.”

104. “The name is Bond… Santa Bond. I’ll have an eggnog, shaken not stirred.”

105. “Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What’s better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents.”

106. “Uh oh. Looks like Santa was a little naughty.”

107. “I would like a nice slice of Christmas Pam. Side of candy Pams. And perhaps some Pam chops…with mint.”

108. “Everyone wants the iPod. It’s a huge hit. Almost a Christmas miracle.”

Carell no doubt made The Office what it was, and many fans were disappointed when he left the series. This, of course, made it all the more special when he returned in the two-part finale, surprising Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson) and Angela Martin (Angela Kinsey) on their wedding day. It still makes me emotional just thinking about their long-awaited reunion!

While many other shows have seen reboots, revivals, or reunions in recent years, we probably shouldn’t expect one from The Office, sadly. In 2018, Carell told Esquire that he felt revisiting the show would be a “bad idea,” explaining:

"“But apart from the fact that I just don’t think that’s a good idea, it might be impossible to do that show today and have people accept it the way it was accepted 10 years ago. The climate’s different. I mean, the whole idea of that character, Michael Scott, so much of it was predicated on inappropriate behavior. I mean, he’s certainly not a model boss. A lot of what is depicted on that show is completely wrong-minded. That’s the point, you know? But I just don’t know how that would fly now. There’s a very high awareness of offensive things today—which is good, for sure. But at the same time, when you take a character like that too literally, it doesn’t really work.”"

The same can’t be said for all of the stars of The Office, however. John Krasinski was all for the idea a few years back, while Ellie Kemper suggested they should reunite to do another Christmas episode. We’re not sure what might be in the cards for our favorite Dunder Mifflin actors, but at least we have our favorite memories — and quotes — from the show to look back on.

You can stream all nine seasons of The Office on Peacock.