Toby is the Scranton Strangler: An investigative report by Michael Scott

An investigative report on Toby aka the Scranton Strangler brought to you by me, Michael Scott

They say killers walk among us. They can be your mailman, your milkman, the cable man, your neighbor who keeps telling you he’s a real man’s man every time he grills a steak on a hot plate not knowing that a real man’s man grills his steak on hot tarmac. It’s because I’m a man that I know when a man is a killer and when he’s not. And Toby, I swear on my dead aunt’s grave, is a killer. He’s the Scranton Strangler.

Now, I’m sure you’re saying, Michael, that’s not true. Well, I’m here to tell you, nobody who knows nothing about anything, that you’re wrong. You’re more wrong than your great grandma in a tank top. I’ve done the investigation. I’ve got a legal pad. I’ve got a pen. I’ve got an entire office full of supplies, and you have nothing but your wrongness. You’re wrong! I am right, and I will tell you why.

Exhibit A: Toby is HR

Everyone thinks because Toby sounds like his batteries are running low that he can’t be evil, but they’re not looking into his sleepy eyes. He’s always watching, always looking for a way to ruin my fun. Toby goes around in his ugly suits and he pokes holes in everything.

You can’t xerox your butt and send it to your enemies, Michael, that’s harassment. You can’t encourage inter-office fighting, Michael, this isn’t a battle royale. You can’t put a water slide in the hallway to get to the office faster, Michael, think of the property damage.

The man is a no-fun-at-any-time party pooper and you all think he’s innocent because he’s quiet but killers can be silent. Do you think the Scranton Strangler announces himself? He doesn’t come in guns blazing, he sneaks up behind you like a child looking for a toy and then he grabs you, choking the life out of you like he chokes the fun out of life.

That’s the thing about serial killers, man, they can trick you into thinking that because they’re divorced with an unfortunate hairline and a broken home that you should feel bad for them. Look the other way, Michael, I’m harmless. I’m just a sad man at my sad desk living my sad life. But no! Toby is not a man, he’s a sadist.

Granted it all sounds satanist to me, but my wife says that’s not the right word and *looks down at the note she left* for legal purposes she’d like you to know the words I am saying are slanderous and libelous and only reflect my personal views.

Well, honey, I don’t know what two of those words mean, but I appreciate the support. As I was saying, Toby is the Scranton Strangler. Let’s review the tape!

Exhibit B: Toby won’t shut up about the case

Toby is like a broken record about the Scranton Strangler case. He talks about it all the time. In the break room, at his desk, one time even in my office as if I wanted to hear the boring sounds he makes with his beak mouth. It’s Scranton Strangler this and Scranton Strangler that. Oh no, I put an innocent man in jail. Oh no, I feel guilty. Oh no, I’m full of horse do-do.

It’s all a part of his sick plan. He wants to throw us off the scent, but he stinks. I can smell him. Breathe it in. That’s the smell of failure and dollar store cologne. I bet Toby talks so much about the case because he gets to relive his murders with us. I bet he sits there with his watery eyes and watches our faces to see if we’re scared of him.

I’ve got news for Toby. I’m not scared. He had years to choke me, and he didn’t. That proves he’s scared of me. As he should be because I’m on to him. What kind of person goes to talk to a man he put in prison after saying he thought he was innocent? Who does that?

Think about it. Would you go tell a man you got locked up that you made a mistake and now think he’s innocent? Seems like something only a sadist would do. Oh no, you’re innocent and you’re in jail and it’s my fault. Forgive me? Ha ha. Actually…that is kind of funny. I’d do that to Toby but that’s because Toby deserves to be locked up in the no fun jail since he’s the no fun police. And the Scranton Strangler!

Exhibit C: Mysteriously absent from the office watch of the police chase

Remember that time the police were chasing the Scranton Strangler and all of us in the office had that bonding experience of watching it live? You know who wasn’t there? Toby.

Boom! I rest my case. Blew you out of the water. Toby wasn’t there. Obviously because he was being chased by the police. I have the gravel in my office to prove it. I was there. I’m the only one who saw him go by in his car. I didn’t see him see him, but I didn’t need to to know that was Toby. He’s always here like mothballs in a closet. But that day? He wasn’t.

Coincidence? I think not! Toby’s a lurker. If he wasn’t the Scranton Strangler he’d have been here telling us we were wasting company time. He would have went on and on about the potential fire hazard of us gathered around the TV. He would have talked to me in that annoying quiet voice of his about taking down the capacity number sign for the wall as if that number is the law and not a suggestion or a challenge.

Believe me, Toby is the Scranton Strangler not because I say so, even though I do, but because the evidence says so. Right here in black and white.